Guest post by Vanessa Jones, MA LPC in Denver, CO
Couples (I’m using this term broadly to refer to romantic partners, while recognizing that many types of paired relationships exist in therapy) often enter therapy with the best intentions: to improve communication, navigate conflict, and feel more connected. These are entirely appropriate—and achievable—goals. However, what frequently emerges in the process is just how much our childhood experiences shape our present relationships.
The Same Fight, Different Day
Many couples arrive in therapy feeling stuck in recurring arguments—the same fight happening over and over again. The topic may shift, but the underlying pattern remains. It’s common to believe that if the therapist can help “solve” the argument, relief will follow.
But what often lies beneath these conflicts are deeper dynamics rooted in attachment and early relational experiences. The ways we learned to give and receive love, handle conflict, and seek connection in childhood tend to resurface in our adult relationships. When we begin to look below the surface, we gain insight into how these early patterns continue to shape our expectations and reactions.
How Childhood Shapes Adult Relationships
Couples are often surprised by how strongly their early relationship models influence how they show up with their partner. For this reason, a thorough intake process in couples therapy should explore upbringing—who raised each partner, how love was expressed, and what models of partnership they observed.
It’s not uncommon for clients to feel shame as they recognize patterns of dysfunction they’ve carried into adulthood. But this is also an opportunity for normalization and compassion. Dysfunction doesn’t have to mean abuse, and many people grow up believing their experiences were “normal,” even when those experiences had a lasting impact.
When Awareness Isn’t Enough
While recognizing these patterns is an essential step, fully processing them often goes beyond the scope of couples therapy. Clients are frequently surprised by how deeply their early caregiving experiences affect their current relationships.
This is where individual therapy becomes important. When one or both partners are not engaged in individual work, it can limit how deeply these patterns can be explored and healed.
Why Individual Therapy Matters
In couples therapy, the relationship itself is the client. Spending significant time focused on one partner’s individual history can shift the focus away from the shared dynamic. Even in approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which may include individual sessions, there is limited space to fully engage in deeper individual work.
Additionally, having the same therapist provide both individual and couples therapy can create potential biases or conflicts within the therapeutic relationship. While it can feel overwhelming to find multiple therapists, having both individual and couples support is often key to creating lasting change.
So…What Should You Do?
It’s a common question: Should you go to couples therapy, individual therapy, both—or neither?
The answer isn’t always straightforward. As both an individual and couples therapist, I’ll admit my bias: ideally, both can be incredibly helpful. That said, real-world factors like time, cost, and emotional readiness can make this feel out of reach.
The good news is that these two forms of therapy complement each other. In many cases, individual therapy can actually accelerate progress in couples work. When appropriate, I may suggest referrals for individual therapists or even recommend pausing couples sessions to focus on personal growth. Techniques like EMDR can support trauma recovery and accelerate couples’ work because it can resolve traumatic childhood experiences that shape our present relationships
At the same time, it’s important to set realistic expectations. Many couples come in hoping for quick fixes, but these relational patterns have developed over years—sometimes decades. Meaningful change takes time, patience, and consistent effort.
Continuing the Work Outside of Therapy
It can feel discouraging to hear that more therapy is recommended. However, this suggestion comes from a place of recognizing each partner’s capacity for growth and change.
I also encourage clients to engage with resources outside of sessions. Books like Attached by Amir Levine and Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin can offer valuable insight into attachment styles and relationship dynamics. Reading together and setting aside time to discuss what resonates can deepen understanding and connection.
Therapy doesn’t have to begin and end in the therapist’s office. The conversations you continue at home are just as important as the ones you have in session.
Summary
Couples often enter therapy hoping to resolve surface-level conflicts, only to discover that deeper, long-standing patterns rooted in childhood experiences are at play. While couples therapy is an essential space for improving communication and connection, it may not be enough to fully process the individual histories that shape each partner’s behavior. Incorporating individual therapy can support deeper healing and accelerate progress within the relationship. Ultimately, meaningful change takes time, intention, and a willingness to explore both the shared dynamic and the individual experiences each partner brings into it.
Vanessa Jones, LPC, is a Denver-based therapist who is passionate about the connection and healing that therapy can offer. She specializes in working with individuals navigating challenges in their relationships—both with themselves and with others. Vanessa’s approach is grounded in the belief that everyone possesses innate wisdom and strength, and she strives to help clients reconnect with these inner resources. Through a warm, collaborative process, she supports people in building insight, empowerment, and more meaningful, authentic connections in their lives.